What Do You Do When You Know You’re Not Fine?

“I don’t know — maybe put a little less food on your plate.”

That was her advice. She was a doctor, for crying out loud.

She was my doctor, unfortunately.

Most of the physicians I’ve seen in my life made me feel like they didn’t care about me or my problems. They had sicker people to see, and I looked “normal.” They spoke quickly, interrupted me, and showed me the door. They were busy, and I wasn’t a priority.

On the hazy, overcast morning of my doctor’s appointment, rain fell silently from the sky. I remember it vividly because I live in Southern California, where it rarely rains, and the doctor was late for my appointment. No one can drive in the rain out here. But, I’ll tell you about that some other time.

She entered the room awkwardly and apologized for her tardiness, but she was unfriendly and cold. Perhaps she was embarrassed that she was late. Maybe she was dreading confirming my diagnosis. Either way, this appointment was about to go south.

I heard the air conditioner click on. She finally confirmed that my test results revealed that I was in menopause. Then she told me to lose weight.

I was 37 years old.

The average age

The average age for menopause to start for American women is 51. I arrived there 14 years before I was supposed to.

I was pissed.

After my doctor told me to lose weight, she informed me that losing weight would be more challenging now because I was in menopause.

I don’t know. You’re fine. See the front desk on your way out. Every last one of them said that.

I looked fine, so no biggie

Multiple symptoms ran parallel but felt unrelated at first.

“Your body just really doesn’t want to have a period, I guess!” — Words of wisdom from one of my doctors

I stared blankly at her, wondering why she wasn’t doing more to help me, but I had no questions to ask. I didn’t know how to help myself. Was it really okay that I had four periods a year?

Sometimes I would get hot flashes followed by nausea. I would play this fun game with myself: Is this a hot flash or food poisoning? It was always a hot flash. This happened daily.

No one seemed worried about my symptoms, and I returned to my regularly-scheduled life without answers.